I have spent the last 8 months reading through the New Testament and am now going through the Old Testament. OK, I have been hit and a miss over the past few months, and it’s not because of vacations either… that would be an easy target to place the blame.
To be honest… I’ve been struggling. Not with God or my relationship with Him. I know where I stand with Him. We’re good. He’s good. It’s outside factors that have bogged me down and weighed heavily on my heart and mind.
This past Thursday I realized just how bad it was effecting me.
I met with the other ladies that I’m doing this challenge with to talk about what we read and what spoke/stood out to us. Our weekly reading was Genesis chapter 25 through chapter 36. I was convicted by Genesis 25, off to a good start eh?! It wasn’t so much the chapter as the Inspiration section that accompanied the chapter. Even more so, was a quote in the sidebar of my Bible,
“The key to forgiving others is to quit focusing on what they did to you and start focusing on what God did for you.” {Max Lucado – In the Grip of Grace}
OUCH!
I have spent the last month angry. So incredibly angry but only those closest to me would have know that. I’m good at not letting the world see my pain. A trait I learned early in life and a coping skill I’ve needed to use as a Pastor’s Wife. But yes, I have been mad – mad – mad – mad – mad! MAD!
A bit of the anger lingered from some things that happened to our family last year, rejection I felt from people who left our church in the manner they did. The hurtful things they’ve said and some continue to say. I tell ya, being in ministry is not for the faint of heart!
A new patch of anger started when I was back home {BC} for Christmas with my family. My brother-in-law texted my sister on New Year’s Eve that he had left her. Every time she called crying because of the deep pain she was going through, I got more and more angry.
Then crap seemed to be happening to close friends around me; job losses, more husbands walking out on marriages, babies passing away and parents getting deathly ill… Each bad thing that happened to others – I placed on my pile of anger. Not at God. Never at God. He didn’t do any of this!
I didn’t realize just how much my anger had grown.
A month ago today, something happened in our family that tipped me over the edge. I hadn’t felt rejection or betrayal like that in my life.
On Thursday night, I realized I had become consumed. I had become so negative about everything. I found it hard to be nice. I found it hard to like anything. All I wanted to be was alone!
The Bible says, “Be angry and do not sin” I was in full fledged sin by this point. It goes on to say, “ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. SELAH.” {Psalm 4:4} The Message puts it this way, “Complain if you must, but don’t lash out. Keep your mouth shut, and let your heart do the talking.”
With all this anger inside, all I wanted to do was tell everyone I could of how I’d been wronged, how my sister had been wronged, how other friends who were going through difficult situations had been wronged. I wanted revenge for my pain and their pain – without saying it out loud – but I know that is what I was thinking.
The thing that bugs me to no end… I know better!! I’ve been in church long enough, in fact, I’ve preached on love and forgiveness and how to maintain your joy so many times… I failed at it this time – I feel like I’m cracking. God forgive me. I’m glad I saw it before it destroyed me and those I love around me.
“Anger. It’s easy to define: the noise of the soul. Anger. The unseen irritant of the heart. Anger. The relentless invader of silence…
The louder it gets the more desperate we become…
Yesterday you can’t alter, but your reaction to yesterday you can. The past you cannot change, but your response to your past you can.” {Max Lucado – When God Whispers Your Name}
I know that if I do not deal with this, my future will be miserable. God help me.
I need to regain my peace… I need to regain my joy. I need to let go of this anger!
There are times no matter how good you are, how good you try to be, how good you want to be when someone wrongs your family and your helpless to do anything but sit and watch them hurt it is impossible to not go through the struggle you've been going through and myself also…I have written pages that have turned into books filled with my anger and disappointments at how challenging life can be to try and ease those painful thoughts and feelings so I wouldn't hurt myself, my children or others…you have no choice as a feeling, caring human being to feel the way you have…it takes a person who loves deeply and cares for others to be able to recognize and change your perspective and help yourself get over whats happened…I'm proud of you 🙂 Tamara
Excellent post, sometimes it takes a moment of reflexion to see the true meaning behind our anger. Sending you good thoughts and my prayers.
I hear you Shash, and you know I've been praying for you through it all. It sucks, and it is OK to be angry. I'm glad that the Lord is obviously with you through it and has touched your heart to even bring this to the surface for you. It would be easy to keep stuffing and keep getting angry. I praise Him for your challenge group, for the right words at the right time, and for the healing that He is doing and will keep doing in your heart.
I love you my friend, and I've been angry right along with you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers!!
~ Raylene @ It's OK to be WEIRD!
well you already know I understand… it is easy to let anger consume.
love you.
The cool thing about anger is that is can compel incredible change – think of the injustices that were recognized and made right because someone got angry. Injustice was done and you are angry – I'd say that is godly behavior.
The not so cool thing about anger is that without the Holy Spirit fruit of self control, it can cross that fine line, where it can go from the catalyst for change it was intended to be and morphs into resentment, or bitterness or rage – or cause us to pick up someone else's offense and trip us into unforgiveness, all of which changes our perspective and causes sinful attitudes.
I'm sure you know, God is big and can handle our anger – vent all you want – He's a great listener with terrific insight!
Wow Shash, it amazes me that you are willing to share these experiences, as tough as they are for you, and be willing to acknowledge the pain and anger and decide to press on. You are strong, and God in you is stronger. It is so obvious that He is at work in you…He shines through you, and you are a blessing 🙂
I'm so glad that God asks us to cast our cares upon Him…what a relief!
Praying for you, and sending you a great big *HUG!* Love you!
Amazing post. Thank you for being so real and honest. There is so much that we can be angry about in this world of darkness today. But then we couldn't be the light, or shine the light that would set those ensnared free….espeically if we've also become the ensnared. Thanks for letting your light shine! I think these moments speak as real testimony to people. God Bless you and give you His perfect peace.
This is me all over. I'm going to start a discussion in the fb forum about this I think. Thanks Shash.
Yes, this is me, too.
And sometimes to shut out the anger I shut down completely, b/c we're not "supposed" be angry, "good Christians don't get angry", it's not nice, right, "christian" to get angry, etc. Plus anger hurts.
So glad we have a gracious God who loves us and carries us through these dark places.
Hugs, Shash.
A beautiful and transparent post Shash. I find my anger hides in my heart, and often I only become aware of it when I get depressed or it explodes all over. Thanks for your insights and for the encouragement that I am not the only one who has to deal with this before the Lord.