This past week has been another hard one in my book of difficult weeks. I seem to get my head above the water and just as I am able to breath something comes along and pushes me under again. I feel like I’ve been drowning in hurt for the last 2 years.

Q’s blood work results started the ball rolling this time around. His white blood cell count was off. They inferred something more dangerous than not was afoot. They totally scared the crap out of me and I have to fight to keep the fears from completely engulfing me. I feel like I’ve been screaming for help but no one can hear me.

By Saturday night I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned until after 1AM.
My mind just wouldn’t shut down and rest.  The thoughts that stirred… the hurt I felt… it all turned into a bit of pity party filled with feelings of being invisible, not important, forgotten… it was all too much for me.
With only a few hours of sleep, I didn’t want to go to church on Sunday. I didn’t want to be all shiny, happy people, I wanted to stay under my covers and cry. 
I was drowning in hurt… but there’s hope. 

I sucked it up and we got to church in time for pre-service prayer. I pushed my feelings aside and went into the room to pray. When it was my turn to pray, I got a picture of someone putting out a “fleece” before God. They made a pack with God that if He does something, they’ll respond. I really felt like something special was going to happen in the service. We finished off by praying for boldness for people to share the words of encouragement God was placing on their hearts.I know Q will be OK, he has to be. I know that I’m loved and needed but I don’t want to deny that they are thoughts I fight, my giant to overcome. The following part is what I want you to focus on…

After my pastor husband finished preaching, we were singing the last song and I could feel the sweet presence of God. Our piano player left the stage area and came up to me. She never ever does this. EVER!

She whispered in my ear… I told God I wouldn’t do this unless Dave opened up the mic for this to happen (the fleece moment), God put you on my heart this week. You’ve been drowning in hurt and God wants to heal that. You are a firecracker and that hurt is binding you from being that firecracker God made you to be (along those lines and a bit more). She walked back to her piano and then I crumpled to the floor. 

Someone more important than anyone else in my life had heard me!
I don’t want to bound by this pain any longer. I need to release those who have hurt me, most don’t even know they’ve done it or are still doing it… but I won’t be free until I do.
Watch out… this firecracker is going to make a pretty big dent in this world!


I'm the Cool Mom of 4, Married to the Preacher Man, but at times I'm a little more Sass than Saint!

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  1. wow! That must be so tough having to be the beacon of happiness and joy in front of your congregation when you're not really feeling it. What an amazing story. sorry you're having a tough time. Sounds like you know where to look for strength though.

    great post. thanks for sharing.

  2. Thank you for writing this post Shannon. I share you feelings and know how truly hard it can get sometimes. I have no doubt that you will come out ahead of ALL of this and that with God….everything is possible!

  3. Aw Shannon. I'm so sorry to hear you have been hurting for so long. I'm glad she came up to you in church yesterday. You deserve so much happiness. You are a strong, amazing, funny, caring, kind, smart, beautiful, talented, woman and so much more. In those times of hurt, I pray you remember that. Xoxo

  4. Oh Shannon, I am so sorry you are hurting, but if it makes you feel better your post speaks to me. You are so right, I might just have to let go of the hurt that others cause me because, maybe just maybe they don't realize they are doing it. Maybe I have a firecracker or two to light for myself. xoxo

  5. Hugs, Shannon. You are loved.

  6. I am still there, though I am not in the front of a group of people. That would make it so much harder. It is hard to let go what others have done…I know that all too well:-S

  7. You're a strong woman Shannon! You'll get through this all, and remember your extended family is always here for you.

  8. I'm so sorry that you are having a rough time! Hugs, Shannon!

  9. Aww sweetie, I am so sorry that you have been hurting, I hope that you are able to let go and begin to heal. You are an amazing lady and have so many people standing beside you. {hugs}

  10. wow, this post made me cry. I am so sorry you have been hurting. God is with you and will get you through this. Major hugs to you

  11. Thank you! The raw, real battles we fight, and the saving grace of God are so encouraging! We all fight battles but not all find hope–you are a beacon for many who find themselves struggling. Blessings to you, my friend!

  12. Abba – thanks for Your support and arms that can wrap around us and keep us close. Thanks for the voice that hears. Thanks for your insight for Shannon this weekend – may she be that firecracker!


  13. I am so sorry you have been hurting. You post gave me tears and goosebumps. I am also a skype message, text or phone call away. You don't got to go at it alone. We are here to hold ya up and be an ear.

  14. I am so sorry you are hurting my friend. You do have so many people who love and respect and look up to you. Let me know if I can help in any way, even just with an open ear

  15. I cried when I read this. Looking forward to God's fireworks display in all her beauty and spendor.

  16. Forgot the word "seeing". Should have been "Looking forward to seeing God's fireworks display…"

  17. hang in there hun, big hugs to you

  18. I don't know how I missed this post!! for me just the fact that you shared how you are really feeling….is a huge step forward! thats amazing!!
    love you so much! you are not just a firecracker…. you are the firework display!!

  19. Thinking of you – hang in there! {Hugs}

  20. Thanks for sharing, Shannon. You're stronger than you think – hang in there! {hugs}

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